The best way to navigate the Friend Zone is to AVOID the Friend Zone. Avoid it at all costs. Try to be an asshole right off the bat. If that’s not your style and you find that you’ve taken the wrong turn between douche bag and boyfriend, and aren’t sure if you’re circling the Zone; here are some tips. You’re not the Millennium Falcon, so you can’t treat it like its the Kessel run or an asteroid field that you can simply fly through to escape the Evil Empire. Also, avoid all references to Star Wars. Girls don’t like that shit.
If you’re flirting with the periphery, then you’re living on the edge. This is not a good place to be. The following topics of conversation should be avoided at all cost: her ex-boyfriend, your ex-girlfriend, places you use to go with either of them, and how much she does or doesn’t remind you of _____ - I mean, that’s kinda obvious. Stop yourself before you start talking about your total infatuation with Meg Ryan rom-coms or the movies Love Actually, My Best Friends Wedding and Beaches. Come on bro, seriously? Beaches? Bette Midler = Friend Zone. I don’t care if the movies are great, they should only know this stuff about you after you’ve had sex. Even then, from now on you hate romantic comedies and she definitely owes you something for putting you through two hours of the Meg Ryan walk, the Tom Hanks quirky face, Hugh Grant and his dry British self-deprecation, and again Bette Midler singing something about wind and wings and whatever. If you find yourself at the theater watching one on a first or second date; make a move in the first ten minutes. Really, you may already have screwed yourself.
If your lunch date turns into you and her in Nordstrom helping her pick out a nice pair of Jimmy Choos or a dress from BCBG, then you’re waist deep in the quicksand of the Friend Zone. You are NOT her shopping buddy. Don’t panic, you’ll only be sucked down quicker. Do Not resort to cheesy jokes like how that dress would look great at the foot of your bed. Try and shift your shopping trip to the lingerie section with hopes she’ll try on a bra and underwear for you. If she does, your number has been called and you are in the express lane out of the Friend Zone. If she’s not acknowledging your hints, then she’s giving you one. You’re done, Brochacho. After the mall you might as well hit the video store for some Julia Roberts and microwave popcorn.
If you are still not sure where you two stand, here are a few good indications that you’ve been relegated to this purgatory of relationships: a.) she hits on, hooks up with or sleeps with one of your friends, b.) uses you to attain (a), or c.) puts a combination of these words in a single sentence during conversation: you, my, friend. Example: “I’m so happy you are my friend.” Yeah, obvious. “I really want you to meet my friend, Jill.” Um, yeah you’re in the zone, but Jill might be cute. “Hey John, this is my friend Nino; oh by the way aren’t you going to take me to see the really cool painting above your bed tonight? Sweet! Bye Nino.” Sorry dude, you’re fucked.
Well, you tried to avoid it, but now you’re there. Once you find yourself in the Friend Zone, you should expect to be there for a while. This isn’t like getting stuffed in a locker when you were 3rd grade or being locked in the bathroom while your brother was slapping skins with the babysitter. Hope is something you have to hold onto at this point, not something you have an abundance of. A careful plan of escape takes time to conceive and execute. Even the most brilliant of plots needs a bit of luck. Movies to watch during this time would be, The Great Escape, Chicken Run, Escape from Alcatraz, and Superman 2. Yes, Superman 2. Your role model from now on should be General Zod.
You might find yourself living in denial. This is a normal reaction, but not a healthy one. If she talks to you about her period, you’re in the Friend Zone. If she’s asked you to buy her tampons or if you know her brand, you’re stuck. If she’s ever started a sentence, “I was taking a shit…”, sorry man. You might think you two are taking a big step if she asks you to go out dancing with her and the girls, but it’s not a step forward. You’ve just sealed your fate as their harmless, safe, non-sexual, non-threatening, non-existent while they are dancing with some guy, innocent, fun to be around, good listening, shoulder to cry on, comforting, I wish I had a boyfriend like you but not you, FRIEND.
Listen, sometimes you can’t fight these things. Chances are, if you’re in the zone now, you’ve been in the zone before. You might escape one day if she has epiphany in, who knows, 20 years. You could wear her down like Ali did Foreman. You’ll take a lot of body blows and each punch can sting worse than a thousand rejections in a crowded bar full of single chicks. Better yet, maybe you just accept it. Maybe you embrace it. After all, she’s got friends, and hopefully they aren’t your friends. Like, Jill.
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