Poem - Bran Muffin Blues (To Be Read To The Johnny Cash Tune "Cocaine Blues"

I woke up this morning
Jumped right outta bed
I downed a cup of coffee
And off to work I fled
I didn’t have breakfast
Cause I was running late
I bought a bran muffin
And got in by 8.

Logged on my computer
And I felt fine
I drank another coffee
In two minutes time
I opened my big mouth
And shoved that whole muffin down
My stomach let out a rumble
And I began to frown.

So there I was just sitting
Sweat covered my brow
On my face implanted
A permanent scowl.
I looked around to see
If there was someone near by
And when the coast was clear
I let a fart slip on the sly.

Oh wait a look of worry
Spread across my face
A foul stench took over
My entire work space
A sense of panic hit me
Oh God what did I do
I’d sharted in my pants
legs felt warm of fresh poo poo

I got up in a hurry
But knew I couldn’t run
I ass-clenched-walked to the toilet
To clean up what I’d done
My tummy flipped and rolled
Like a gymnast on the tumbling floor
I thanked God Almighty
For getting me in the bathroom door.

Once inside with a quickness
I pulled down my pants
My ass touched the seat
Before it began to rant
It gave a lofty sermon
It seemingly did not tire
I screamed out Halleluiah
And sang with the choir.

People walked in
And then they walked out
The pungent fumes deterred them
There was no doubt
I imagined the toilets rejoicing
down to the first floor
Mine said, it was its best shit
Since 1984.

I balled up my poor undies
And cleaned myself up
Wiped 20 times, flushed
The toilet got stuck.
The water began to rise
And I was out the door
I looked back in time to see
My shit hit the floor.

In my cube, IMed my boss
“I’m feeling very ill”
He said I should go home
And take some Vick’s DayQuil
I was out the door and back home
Quick as a roadrunner
Received another message
From my tail gunner.

There’s a lesson here
For all of you
If you’re in this type of plight
You’ll know what to do
Keep some clean undies
At work in your cube
And pray you’re not struck
With those Bran Muffin Blues.